I hear that there are now reports of an even more fearsome sea monster, the “Hairy Larry”, lurking around the islands, searching for Kuna maidens and bottles of rum. Sometimes mistaken for the red-eyed iguana when just its head is above water, due to its bloodshot eyes. I attach a picture, purported to be a sighting of the Hairy Larry.
Ok now for once you are making sense!
I think I recognize the monster (but on reflection I might have mistaken him for my sister Wilbur). Last night I came home drunk as a newt and because I have moved my bed into my music room and converted my old bedroom into a storage area, when I walked past my old bedroom I noted that the dressing table had not yet been moved and I then saw a strange animal lurking behind the mirror which I put down to bad vodka and immediately fell asleep. However this morning when I opened your email and saw the attached photo I felt a cold chill down my spine when I realised that this photo was of the same savage beast that I saw in my store room last night!
Although how he could have traveled from such a distant ocean remains a mystery and I do not believe they would have let him/her through customs.
I thought I would write and tell you about my latest consulting contract. This is as true as the unlikely story about your midnight misadventure, although given your navigation skills…
There is a start-up company in New York, consisting entirely of women, developing a new vibrator “designed by women for women”. Evidently vibrators have thus far been designed by men and are therefore lacking. Anyway they lacked the necessary engineering skills so they conducted an exhaustive international search for the engineer with the best understanding of women and in closest touch with his feminine side, and they of course zeroed on me. So I am now designing a rechargeable, 3 speed vibrator. My wife is providing advice where even my feminine intuition fails me. For example she objects strongly to our lockout switch that prevents the vibrator being used while plugged into the wall charger for safety reasons. She says that having it go flat before she is half done would remind her too much of her real sex life.
Tomorrow we head for Panama, and then San Blas. I will be working on a solar powered vibrator.
I have a confession to make … Before I submitted the photo to the Sunday Times I had to remove the date-stamp on the right-hand bottom of the picture by using the cloning tool in Photoshop. So I had to magnify that area which included the base of the tree and one of your legs and I might have changed the shape of one of your legs to make it conform to the shape of the tree in the foreground.
So when I tell you that you need to shave your legs for your next fashion shoot, I am uniquely qualified to give you this advice – perhaps even more so than your wife.
I am shocked by the lack of integrity I am finding in the fashion business. Instead of letting my natural grace and beauty shine you use Photoshop to appeal to the baser human instincts. I will not be treated as a sex object. I will stand by my principles. I therefore demand double my usual fee for the next photo shoot.
I have spoken with my fashion assistant Lorraine and must instantly apologize for her indiscretions. After rigorous examination she conceded to me the following:
The reason why your legs were scrutinised to this unnatural extent by her was because “she just could not help herself.”
Also the modifications which may have occurred in Photoshop were due to the fact that she considered your legs to be “too perfect”, so your legs would then have been altered downwards to prevent other women (like her) from completely losing their minds – a state which impedes the making of sound business decisions and also creates controversy for the agency.
I understand that you Italians tend to be a little excitable and I do believe that your request for double payment for future involvement would set an unfortunate precedent, however, in the circumstances we will agree to double your fee.
… while I am away you can put my computer to good use – perhaps with the addition of a webcam and your exotic underwear collection you could start some kind of pay-per-view service. However, with your slow Internet speed maybe you should come to Tasmania to start your exotic underwear modelling website
Part of the mystique of my sensuous exotic clothing line is the lingering act of taking off and putting on these garments which is better suited to a slow internet connection. As in sex if it happens too quickly it leaves at least one party feeling aggrieved. Also less film footage is required, so it would be cheaper.
I think you are clutching at straws. I am sure your clients will want to see your fluid and graceful motion as you strip out of one set of lingerie and into the next. A jerky pixilated image will leave them very unsatisfied